Zane's Junkyard

[Zane Knight]

This is where I'ma post all my thoughts and shit.

Right now I don't have much thoughts. I'ma try to work on that. The sumbitches on my tribe don't seem real talkative. I ain't a fan. No sir. 

[Zane Knight]

Well, my tribe can't socialize for SHIT but they can build fires, I guess that's all that counts.

[Zane Knight]

Alright, I'ma do a disclaimer first of all, because people these days have a really hard time understanding the concept of characterization. 

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: READING ZANE CONFESSIONALS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. Prolonged first-hand or second-hand exposure to Zane Confessionals may cause: Hurt feelings from being insulted, made fun of, mocked, or parodied; Mass confusion from people who don't understand what jokes are; Indignation from people who don't understand what jokes are; Extreme hatred of Zane from people who don't understand what a joke character is, or who take funny bitchy confessionals seriously for no apparent reason; Inability to distinguish a character from the COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY DISTINCT REAL-LIFE PERSON PLAYING AS HIM; or halitosis. If you experience any of these symptoms, quit using Zane Confessionals immediately. Consult a physician to see if Zane Confessionals are right for you. If they aren't, go read a book or something. If for some reason you're still offended by my whining and arrogance, feel free to contact me on AIM and demand an apology. Seriously. I'll give you one. 

Anyway, now that that's outta the way, TIME TO BRING THE PAIN. 

~ Episode 1: Yappy Women and Lazy Asses ~

I dunno how to feel about my tribe. Like the first half of forever, these dipshits can't get on AIM to save their lives. I wait around for hours and hours, none of them ever show up except RC, and RC... I dunno. I don't like her. You take a gal like Heidi, you got a great rack and a pretty face (for the first while afore she gets skeletal anyway). Girl like RC, you got cartoonishly large bust, and a face like a Italian dude who got his head stuck in elevator doors. I'd maybe bang her if she kept a bag over her head the whole time, but only if it'd been a long time. 

Heidi's pretty badass. Props to her, guess she's got way more free time to burn than any of us. Some dudes would call that a turnoff, but I like my platinum blondes like I like my Mac corporation - Jobless after 2011. 

John Rocker, he's a good ol southern boy. Seems like an ass, but I can dig it. 

Kimmy Sprad, I like her. She's one of them underappreciated folks, not a lot of people play as her because they'll all hyped up on Chelseaosterone. I never felt that. Chelsea's up there with RC in the category I call "ramen noodle chicks." They're alright, but they're a dime a dozen and it ain't hard to find something that's better. Takes real class and discriminatin tastes to be inta Kim S, and I got mad props for that kind of mentality. Definitely wouldn't mind goin on with her for the long haul.

Spencer = useless.

Sophie = useless and fugly, which makes it even worse.

Jim = Who the fuck is this dude? Seriously. I seen him join up to like nine games, always as Jim Rice, always with that AIM, and dude never played a day in his life. I think he's just a made up robot that hosts use to fill empty slots in their games. Or he's Jakkbott. I had something witty to say about this dude, but like him IT JUST DIDN'T SHOW UP WHEN IT WAS SUPPOSED TO. 

Anyway that's all I got. Gotta prepare for tribal cause I guess Cali don't have anything better to do with their time than do posting challenges. Bet you twenty bucks they're all virgins with nothin else goin on. 

[Zane Knight]

I guess that shoulda been Episode 2. Fuck it.

[Zane Knight]

~ Episode Two Three: Zane Trumps All ~

That quote don't have nuthin to do with the episode, I just found this pic and thought it was funny. 

So after Jim's bloated corpse got medivaced we discovered that we had a tribe camp. Which was great, cause up til now we've been real antisocial with one another, so it's good to have a space where we can all hang out together and continue bein antisocial with one another. I decided we need to do somethin to memorialize Jim an shit, he was a great dude who knew how to score some primo ganja, you gotta respect that kinda stuff man. We made him a nice stone garden and it was pretty pimpin.

Course RC had to go an' RC things up the way she do. We told her to go get some stones and in her head she heard "get stoned" and went and smoked a bowl of Jim's stash. That's the only reason I can think why she was gettin all uppity bein in the public thread like, "I'ma vote out Zane," blah blah blah. Then she goes and posts a bid of all our money on one box. Like, coo coo ca choo, what are you doin? We yell at her, tell her not to do that, then she takes the first suggestion and posts that. What? We're a group here, girl! Don't go posting crap if you don't know the dang rules! 

And Rocker's off his rocker, too. I talk to him last night, he's sayin some loopy stuff about him and me bein' robbed goddesses. What the fack? I ain't no goddess. I'm a man, straight up! 

Then we get the news we gotta kidnap someone. I'm fine with us takin Clay, but I kinda wonder if that don't mean that the girls got somethin' going with him. I could see there bein crosstribe talk and all that stuff, if the girls wanna try making some big power alliance. That don't sit right with me, but I don't know that there's much I can do about it just yet. 

[Zane Knight]

Well don't that just take the biscuit. We can't even win a blind luck thing.

I figger Clay gotta have something in his pocket - no way does he get sent over here without anything. So I'm thinkin it's best we split the vote, get some on one of our useless turds and send them packin if Clay's got some heat on im. I figure best target is probably Spencer. That dude is circlin the drain, physically. Might as well dump him. All these fine ladies be like, "Not if you were the last man on the Island, Zane," and I'm like, "oh we'll see about that, bitch." Once all these other dudes are coolin their heels in prejury, they'll be singin a different tune, you mark my words.

We might do RC though, because she's still on the drugs. She thought the boxes were for people individually, which shows both a lack of reading comp and a lot of selfishness. I ain't a smart man, but neither of those things seems partickularly conducive to maximizing our group's long-term attainment goals, if you get my drift.

Sophie talked to me for the first time ever today. Said she liked my spirit, asked to work together. I like a girl who puts out on the first date much as any sensible man, but there's some goods you cain't even GIVE away, nawm sayin?

Anyway, me and Heidi are cookin up some strategy. That's fine by me. Hottest girl on the tribe cozying up to me as her main man? That's jus alright.

[Zane Knight]

I think there's somethin in the water round this camp. That's the only reason I can figger for why everybody's so goldarn stupid these days. 

First we got Sophie. I tell her I figger Clay's maybe packin an idol. This is one of those things that you keep under your lid, cause you don't wanna cause a panic and make people do anything stupid. Unless you're Sophie, in which case you go screamin it out at Tribal Council like it's your own personal fifty shades of grey safe word. Gee thanks, Sophie. We think Clay might have an idol. We think he might play it tonight. I'm sure nobody on our team will connect those particular dots and wonder what's going to happen instead of a blindingly obvious Clay boot. Top notch work. 

Then we have RC, who for some reason decides to try and get herself a box at the auction, which she for some reason assumed was a personal thing. She specifically wanted to get herself an immunity necklace, because I guess she figgered she was next on the block if we lost. Girl, we still have Spencer the three-toed sloth and Sophie the screamer of secrets, so I think you were in a pretty decent spot. Openly announcing you don't trust the tribe and feel like you're on the outs, though, that shit is a fantastic way to draw all the bullets in the gun towards your present location. 

If I were one o' them white collar academic types, I'd laugh about how ironic it is that RC is gonna get votes tonight for litrelly no reason other than she was paranoid she would get votes, which is kinda a hilariously cruel turn of events. But I aint so I wont. 

[Zane Knight]

Hell yeah I got an episode title. My parents would be so proud.

[Zane Knight]

Jaime's tribe name suggestion is "Fucking Weirdos" which is cool with me, but I don't want her thinkin she can get away with that shit.

[Zane Knight]

So, good news bad news time. Bad news is Jaime done got herself the idol, which sucks. If I had paid more attention and realized that I coulda won something I would have put more (well... ANY) effort into the endurance challenge.

Good news is Tasha ain't thrilled about Jaime gettin the idol, and pitched a three way alliance between me and her and Heidi, which is jus alright with me. Heidi's like the only competent person outta old Bogota anyway, so I wouldn't mind workin with her.

It kinda sucks that we blew our two-man advantage this round. I tried gettin all of Bogota on the same page, to get ridda Clay and give ourselves the numbers, but everybody went ahead and mercykilled Spencer instead. I get why they done it, but damn, we're about to get Foa Foa'ed right outta the jungle if these people don't get they heads screwed on right. Rocker's in a coma, so he's about to get himself express-mailed home. So hopefully if I can get in good with Tash I'll be able to do some spinnin' and get things goin back in a good direction, cause right now it's looking a lot like a death spiral.

[Zane Knight]

Well, looks like everything's coming up Zane right now. 

Thanks to my missing three challenges in a row due to some really shitty luck (Not on purpose, I swear. I've never been a challenge thrower, and I don't intend to start now) everybody's got this really negative perception of my challenge abilities, which is a strange and uncomfortable place for me to be in. See, I was happy to let Heidi come off as the challenge beast threat because I knew if anybody was gonna get toasted it was her. I was also happy to let Tasha come off as the social strategic threat, because that meant that if anybody was gonna get toasted, it was her. But now that both of my meat shields are gone, it's time to stop taking it easy on these folks. I might've missed a few challenges, but when I crack my knuckles it's time to get up an' get down, nawm sayin? 

Anyway, I won the challenge, which forced the vote onto Tasha. Sucks, cause she was my homegirl, but I knew it was happening. Sophie came to her to vote out Jaime, and Jaime came to her to vote out Greg, and Greg came to me to ask if I'd help him out next round, and I couldn't stop sneezing on account of I'm allergic to bullshit. I figured they were blindsiding Tasha, which is why I wanted us to blindside Greg, but no dice. Oh well. Pour one out for my homegirl. 

Now the funny thing is these idiots all need me to help them. Greg and Sophie need me to help them vote out Jaime. Jaime needs me to help her survive. I'm most inclined to help Greg, which is awkward as hell since I voted for him twice, but he's the only one who hasn't been calling me names and talking shit about me publicly. 

See, I figure I'm doomed against the jury no matter what, thanks to my less-than-stellar social game, but I'm still gonna give her the old school try. I own up to my mistakes as any man should, but I still wanna fight it out and do what I can to win. 

So my situation is that I can force a tie, look golden in front of the jury, fuck Sophie up real good, and then potentially lose the game to Jaime. Or, I can screw Jaime over, and then be down 2-1 in the finals, but against two people who got the threat factor of a kitten with a Wiffle bat. Tough call, really. Ideally, what'll happen here is that I send Sophie home, because fuck Sophie, and then win the final challenge and vote Jaime outta here. It'd be a huge play, get rid of everybody I hate, and then it's just me and Silent Greg in the finals, where he'll literally have to phone it in. Sounds like a decent shot, in my books. 

[Zane Knight]

~ Episode 13: I Can't Be Held Responsible For This ~ 

So Jaime wants to vote off Sophie.

Sophie wants to vote off Jaime.

Greg wants to vote off Jaime. 

This is a hilarious situation, because these are the people who've been giving me grief and makin' my life hell for the past couple of weeks. These are the folks who told me I suck, and only survived due to luck, and this, that, the other thing. Honestly, if I was watching this on TV, I'd just be laughing my butt off right about now, because it's just gotta be driving the lot of them crazy that this guy they hate and talk mad trash about on a regular basis just turned out to have been resting and taking it easy this whole time. 

And now, they have no option but to implode and destroy themselves, and for some reason they're all coming to me to plead their case. 

Greg comes to me, with his master plan of voting Jaime out. Hilariously, Jaime has seen this move coming for like a week already, and has already asked me to vote Sophie out instead, because screw Sophie. I'm inclined at this point to go with Greg, because Jaime misspells her own name on a regular basis, and has a nasty habit of telling me that I'm mistaken about my own feelings. I just don't like her. But just on an idle whim, I tell Greg we should jack Sophie up this round instead, and this is where Greg drops the ball. Drops the ball hard enough to shatter the tiles of the floor, and make a lovely little crater. 

"Well, Zane, I hear what you're saying about Sophie sucking harder than an airplane bathroom. But let's vote Jaime out tonight, and let whatever happens next round happen." 

Umm... what? Did you literally just say, "Do what I want, not what you want, and then we'll just see what happens from there"? Why not just come right out with it and say, "Zane, I realize this is a huge favor to ask, but could you please vote off Jaime, so that I can vote you out next?" It's the same thing, only I'd like you more because now you're not talking to me like I'm an idiot. 

So Greg wants me to do him this massive favor, help him get Jaime out tonight, but he's not even willing to offer me the possibility that I'll benefit from the deal. Alrighty. What I'm basically hearing here is:

Them: "Zane, here's a key to all the shit. You could fuck it up, but don't."
Me: "Is there any particular reason I shouldn't fuck up all the shit?"
Them: "Well... just don't, okay?"
Me: "Will you give me things I want?"
Them: "I can't promise that."
Me: "Will you avoid fucking up my shit?"
Them: "I can't promise that either."
Me: "Will anything bad happen to me if I fuck up all the shit?"
Them: "Yes."
Me: "Will it be worse than what will happen if I don't fuck up all the shit?"
Them: "Well... no..." 
Me: "Okay, so is there ANY reason I shouldn't fuck up all the shit?"
Them: "Oh, look at the time! Gotta go! Anyway, here's the key to all the shit. Have fun!" 

Really, what would YOU do? 

[Zane Knight]

Well, damn. Shoulda seen that comin', but I got cocky. Oh well, guess I'm as big a idiot as everybody says.

I wish Greg had listened to me and voted Sophie's ass off, or at least not been such a damn knob about it. But I shouldnt'a been such a stubborn ass anyhow. That one's one me.

I honestly ain't even mad about it. It was a brilliant move from Jaime. After all, Sophie's gonna lose to anybody in the finals, so she might as well go with Jaime and get props for taking the person who deserves it most. I'm sure as hell takin' Jaime if I win, because I can't stomach the thought of those bitter sons of bitches handing Sophie a million dollars. And if Jaime wins it, I'm fully expecting to go home. After all, Jaime's got my jury vote on lock, might as well increase the odds of her own victory.